Let's go back a few months...Valentine’s Day is was my favorite holiday. Every
year my husband and I (then boyfriend) would eat at our favorite Italian
hotspot downtown... a 12 year tradition! This particular restaurant was a
little pricey so it was a treat to eat there and we looked forward to it all
year long. But this Valentine’s Day was different…we were in our new home
thousands of miles away AND we had a
much unexpected surprise.
We decided to dine in this V-day and catch up on American Idol…who wants to fight the crazy crowds anyway right? As we enjoyed our delicious heart shaped Papa Murphy Pizza (quit laughing) something suddenly crossed my mind…I was late!! I decided to sneak out for “ice cream”, as my husband thought, when in reality I was off to the pharmacy for an HPT…I did get the ice cream too, cookies and cream to be exact, after all it WAS Valentine’s Day. After arriving home I snuck upstairs and took the test…anxiously awaiting the results especially since my husband and I were trying for our first baby. It was POSITIVE…a faint positive but nevertheless a pink line!! The next day a blood test confirmed…I was pregnant.
We decided to dine in this V-day and catch up on American Idol…who wants to fight the crazy crowds anyway right? As we enjoyed our delicious heart shaped Papa Murphy Pizza (quit laughing) something suddenly crossed my mind…I was late!! I decided to sneak out for “ice cream”, as my husband thought, when in reality I was off to the pharmacy for an HPT…I did get the ice cream too, cookies and cream to be exact, after all it WAS Valentine’s Day. After arriving home I snuck upstairs and took the test…anxiously awaiting the results especially since my husband and I were trying for our first baby. It was POSITIVE…a faint positive but nevertheless a pink line!! The next day a blood test confirmed…I was pregnant.
From the moment I found out I was excited yet uncertain.
There was something inside me that wouldn’t let me wrap my head around the
whole thing. Even after all the congratulations I wouldn’t let myself believe
it. What was wrong with me? This is what I had wanted for so long…a dream come
true. I would repeatedly tell myself, “Genelle…You.Are.Pregnant!”
Where was this unannounced anxiety and fear coming from?
Did all new moms feel this way? Was there something wrong? Will I feel like
this the whole time? Was this mother’s intuition?
Per my doctor, I had to go in for daily blood tests to monitor my HCG levels. Though the doctor didn’t say much I could sense her apprehension and concern. I would pray every night for a safe pregnancy. I will never forget what my doctor told me at one of my visits, “Your body will do what is going to do”. And she was right. After a 2 week whirlwind of emotion…a miscarriage was confirmed.
I suddenly realized that scary things could happen to me.
I was not exempt from the heartache and reality of this world. It seemed as though the floodgates of emotion
started pouring out. I had so many unanswered questions…but the biggest one of
all,
“Why did this happen to me?!”
“Why did this happen to me?!”
I understand now that miscarriage is more common than
not. Regardless, it is a devastating thing for a woman to go through. My heart goes out to those who have experienced loss, at any stage. Unfortunately, women do not openly share their stories. Is it
embarrassment, shame, or something else? After the loss of a child, whether through
miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. a woman can’t help but question, “Is there something wrong with me?”
The answer is NO. Of course there are always exceptions. For those of you who have known me and my husband, it is no surprise that our life seems to come with plenty of struggle and endless tests from God. The beauty of it all is that we have become stronger people because of it. Was the loss of our baby another test? If so, what was the lesson to be learned? Or is it just one of the many mishaps of life that we will face together.
Some may ask what the relevance of my
story is on a blog that specializes in painted tables and chicken soup recipes?
The answer is simple. This blog has been my outlet for healing and process through
my circumstance. I hope that my readers
can relate to my story somehow...both men and women. We all have struggles in
life that come in all shapes and sizes. We
all have a story…Genelle
March 31, 2012 “I am The Living One who sees you and longs to
participate in your life. I am training you to find ME in each moment and to be
a channel of My loving Presence. Sometimes My blessings come to you in
mysterious ways: through PAIN and TROUBLE. At such times you can know My
goodness only through your trust in Me.
I was so sad to hear about your miscarriage Genelle. Ive never gone through one myself but have experienced the pain of loss so many times in my life. There is a book called "I Will Hold You in Heaven" by Jack Hayford. Its offers comfort to those in your situation.Go to the Amazon book site and you can read parts of it.~Be patient and know GOD's timing is perfect.I know he is going to bless you and Buzz with a beautiful son or daughter,my niece or nephew,someday.Find peace in knowing you will go to be with your baby again in Heaven and you will hold him forever in your arms. 2Samuel 12:19-23
ReplyDeleteLori,
DeleteA good friend of mine actually sent me the book a few days after. I am just about done. It has been so helpful and truly validates what the bible says. The Lord truly values children as the most precious thing on this earth.